Sidney Crosby: Our captain, his jaw broke, but he's actually more attractive now, MVP.
Evgeni Malkin: Still learning English, his parents love Pittsburgh, he is score.
James Neal: Was a star before he actually became a star, has a pretty smile, and a knack for goals.
Kris Letang: Fabulous hair, better than PK.
Marc Andre Fleury: Just had a baby, most winning Penguin goaltender, called a plant.
Brooks Orpik: The Chuck Norris of the NHL, he is like Jesus, but more muscular.
Chris Kunitz: The better half of Sidney Crosby, well when he's not playing with Malkin.
Matt Cooke: Called the Cookie Monster, generally happy soul, has random bursts of goals.
Brandon Sutter: Part of collection of Sutters, eventually somebody will want to collect them all, mh, Carolina.
Tyler Kennedy: Finally was scratched, said to be Bylsma's favorite player, licks sticks, sorry but not sorry.
Brenden Morrow: Was a star while a star, also was a captain, traded it all away for a chance at the Cup.
Pascal Dupuis: Potash's secret lover, faster than the road runner, has about 10000 children.
Jarome Iginla : Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla, that is all you need to know
Tomas Vokoun: He used to be a Capital, yet we love him now, pretty good for being old.
Deryk Engelland: YOU TOUCH ME, YOU DIE.
Douglas Murray: YOU TOUCH ANYONE IN A PENS JERSEY, YOUR WHOLE TEAM DIES.
Jussi Jokinen: Scores like the goalie is a mouse and the puck is a beach ball, doesn't miss Carolina.
Beau Bennett: Comparable to Lemieux apprently, from Cali, probably surfs during the offseason.
Craig Adams: Went to Harvard, doesn't need the hockey life for money, chooses it.
Tanner Glass: Likes to fight, was a Jet, has a trendy first name and a last name to match where you are going if you touch him.
Joe Vitale: Called JOEY V, like he's from Jersey Shore, was born in St. Louis, not like Martin St. Louis.
Mark Eaton: Said is plan all along was to come back to Pittsburgh, we are happy he is home.
Matt Niskanen: Was like an extra part of the Neal-Goose trade, turned out to be frisky, not risky.
Paul Martin: Used to be decent now amazing, an important peice of our "D".
Robert Bortuzzo: I don't know him much, he was born in the same city as the Staals, STAAL, JORDAN....
Eric Hartzell: At first I thought they said Hartnell, I was concerned.